Talking about the affair is necessary to begin building trust. Couples who don’t talk about the affair but try to ignore it don’t really get over it.
I’ve listed below some questions to use when talking with your partner about the affair:
When did the affair begin?
Is this person someone you’ve known for a while?
How long had you been feeling attracted to the other person before the affair?
When did it first become flirtatious? When did it become sexual, if it was sexual?
Who initiated the affair?
Did either one of you try to stop it? If so, how?
What prevent those efforts from working?
Is the other person married or in a committed relationship?
Does that person’s partner know? If so, what was the partner’s response?
If not, do you or the affair person intend to tell the other partner?
When and where did you get together?
How long did the affair last?
How many times did you and the other person engage in sexual activity?
How much emotionally involvement was there?
How frequently did you and the outside person talk with or write to each other?
What else did you do together?
What kinds of contraception or protection against sexually transmitted disease (STD) were used?
Did you sometimes not use protection?
Have you or the other person been tested for STDs?
How much money was spent on the affair?
Were gifts exchanged?
What do you intend to do with gifts or other mementos after the affair?
Has the affair ended? If so, when and why?
Who ended it? If the affair has ended, is this just for now or permanently? What contact have you had with the outside person since then?
What steps, if any, have you taken to ensure that no further contact takes place?
What does the outside-affair person want? What are your plans if the outside person contacts you first?
Who else knows about the affair? What do others know, and how did they find out?
Are there any other consequences we need to consider?
Could there be any complications at work or other legal problems?
Could the outside person make our lives more difficult if he or she wanted to?
Could the outside person’s partner cause more difficulties?
Are we in physical danger?
Why did you do it?
Why do you think this happened? What was going on with you? What else was going on in your life? What was going on between us?
What were you thinking about me and my family?
Why didn’t you tell? (Or why did you wait to tell me?)
Where does this leave us?
What about us? Should we continue to live together?
Do you know what you want? How did you reach that decision, and how certain are you that your feelings won’t change?
What do you think it would take for us to get through this? How willing are you to make these changes, and for how long?
Have you considered divorce? What steps, if any, have you already taken? Have you talked with anyone about moving in with him or her?
Have you contacted an attorney?
Have you set up a separate bank account?
How do we deal with the basic tasks of managing the relationship and our household?
Do we continue to do laundry together, cook meals, or clean up afterward together?
Do we go to church or the kids’ ball games together?
What acts of caring feel okay right now?
Should we still call each other during the day just to chat?
Do we still have our morning coffee together?
What other expressions of intimacy do we want? Is it okay to touch one another or to hold hands? Are hugs okay? Do we still sleep together? Do kisses feel okay? What about making love together?
What do we do if it starts to feel uncomfortable for either one of us?
How do we make sure we talk about the things that need to be talked about?
How should we handle it when our discussions start to get out of control?
Brad and Morgan founded Total Marriage Makeover because they’re passionate about helping couples find the connection they deserve in their relationship. Their goal for you is to experience acceptance and the deep satisfaction of true, unconditional love with your spouse.